Mood:  d'oh

Had a tough day today and increased the dose of Geodone I take.  Since it is the weekend I made the decision myself and will try to talk to my therapist on Monday.  I can't see any objection to my taking more medication.  They only worry when you decide to take less.

Two nights ago I fell down a hole in my mind, quite like Alice sliding down the rabbit hole.  It started with my being hurt that my husband stayed late at work to read a book (odd behavior - why not come home and read the bood?) and ended with me curled on our bed in a fetal position unable to speak or move.  I couldn't stop the fall.  During dinner I was silent, focused on my dinner plate, the food and utensils and unable to make eye contact with my husband and his daughter.  I listened to their light banter and understood that it was very normal, but, I had no way of emotionally connecting to anything that they said.  I experienced no humor and no curiosity.  To them it simply appeared that I was in a bad mood.  But they didn't know how far away I was in my mind, they did not know the true alien that I had become.

After dinner I retreated to the bedroom.  When my husband came to check on me I said, "five".  And then repeated "five".  My voice was firm.  Adament.  The next word I was able to push out was "blue".  My husband said, "Karen you are breaking down."  And it was true.  The Karen that he knew ceased to function as she normally does.  When I am in despirate need I will say one word that makes no sense - it is a clear sign of distress.  Since I can't make sense, to say something logical, I say something random because that my mind can manage to do.  I suppose an alternative would be a hand signal, meaning, "I am sick and in trouble."

 My husband asked me if I wanted medication and I nodded my head.  It was hard for me to open my eyes to look at the pills - I felt about in the medicine box for different shaped bottles.  Lucky for me the thought process of which pills to take was very clear.  Oh, I could think whole sentences in my head, I could explain everything that was happening to me, but the explainations stayed locked up in my head.  Thinking a word is an entirely different thing from saying a word.  Usually two processes work in perfect union, except, when you have a disease like schizophrenia which separates thought from action and spirit from emotion.

My medication brought me back nicely.  Later that night my husand and I had sex.  My life is a very strange adventure.  My husband must be rather special himself to be able to join me on it.  His adaptablility to changing circumstance (my changing consciousness) is extraordinary.

Today I circled that dark hole but I did not fall down it.  My emotions puzzled me.  I thought to myself that I have everything that a person with schizophrenia could ever want or need.  A safe place to live, a husband who provides for me and loves me and has nice sex with me, a dog, and painting artwork to keep me busy with dreaming of fame and fortune.  I have the things that ten years ago were just a dream, and yet, after acheiving it all, it all felt like nothing.  So yes, I was puzzled today.  Intellectually I know that I am blessed.  But my emotions were so barren, I had a waste land inside of me.  I tried to meditate in the morning and then once more in the afternoon.  Focus on breathing.  Stay in the moment and observe the moment.  It was a short help.  But in the end, in late afternoon I took extra Geodone, and it was Geodone that has returned me to normal.

I'm going to stop writing and go hug and kiss my husband.

Posted by dignifyme at 9:57 PM EDT

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Mood:  blue

I couldn't write here in my blog about what happened until several days had passed. 

My dog is safe, but she is in manditory rabies quarenteen at a local vet for ten days.  It is an expensive slap on the wrist and I'm sure a comfort to the parents of the little girl that she nipped at the playground.  My husband brought the dog there and then let it off leash.  Something he knew I would have never, ever allowed.  In our town it is not legal for dogs to be off leash.  And our dog in particular has lost all training when she is with my husband.  He is incapable of being a doggie authority figure for her and she knows it. 

This post is so painful to write.  I feel shame, guilt, fear, anger and worry.  The bite was to the eight year old's back and while Plum Pudding broke the skin the bite did not require stitches or a doctor's attention.  Thank goodness.  One hour after the incident the little girl was back at the park riding her bicycle on the sidewalk.  My dog was trying to herd the moving target - without training her herding instinctinks take over and bicylcles and cars and joggers are all targets for little nips.  It isn't aggression but it is a dominence gesture. 

About a month ago I forbid my husband to take Plum to the park on a fifteen foot training leash.  I had talked to a neighborhood parent who expressed fear about a lunging german shepherd and I got a good image of how wild Plum must be behaving when my husband takes her out.  With me she heels right by my side.  My husband she pulls.  I told my husband that now he was only allowed to walk her on a conventional short leash - a better means of controlling her.  Apparently my husband walked her on the leash to the park and then let her off the leash.  After the bite he mumbled something about hoping to give her practice in  "learning how to socialize" but it was laziness and daydreaming to think that giving a dog more freedom results in better behavior.  My husband let her off the leash becasue is gave him the chance to relax and smoke a cigarret or read a book free of responsibility.

When Plum comes home my husband is not allowed to ever walk or take care of her again.  He failed her and he failed me.  I'm scared becasue if Plum bites again there can be a police hearing to determine whether or not to put her to sleep.  Now her life is in my hands.  I wish we lived out in the country near woods with a couple of acres of land but we don't.  We live in a small town near the center of town where the buildings butt walls five feet apart.  Plum has to exist with people and I have to make certain that she is domesticated in any situation.  It will be more work for me, but I do look forward to having a closer relationship with my dog. 

Posted by dignifyme at 6:03 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, 11 August 2006 7:50 PM EDT

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Mood:  crushed out

Just finished painting for today.  Already thinking about the next painting.  It's size, colors, and subject matter.  Tomorrow when I go to the museum for my volunteer job I'm bringing a sketch book.

Been working hard at painting.  Every day.  Last night I had a dream where I had an extra eye on top of my right eyelid.  It had no pupil but it was certainly a third eye on my face.  Mike said I ought to dream it again and move it to the proper place in the center of my forehead but I said, nah, it was where it was supposed to be. 

Last month I posted about a religious experience.  One thing that I didn't mention was that my spiritual friend told me that on Geodone I would be able to have better communication with the Other World.  I think that my dream of an eye over an eye has to do with my picture making ability or strength of imagination.

I'm going to making paintings that will make people want to possess them.  They will see it hanging in a gallery and think to themself "I want that in my home so that I can look at it every day.  I must have it, it must be mine."  I get that way about art in galleries, but, it is a rare painting that can do it.  In museums I used to play a game with myself.  I'd say to myself, "If I could take only one painting home with me, which painting would that be?"  Sometimes I'll be in an art gallery and I'll get really mad and frustrated because there isn't a picture in the place that I would want to take home.  I wonder if people have gone crazy, making boring trivial stuff, what is wrong with them?  I want to shake them and shout at them, "Put long hours and hard work into your art! Take risks!  Astonish me, make me envious!"

Oh, how I love to be beat.  I love to gaze upon strong, visionary talent.  I love to be outdone.

Posted by dignifyme at 8:53 PM EDT

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Mood:  not sure

Arrived home late last night.  Wednesday I drove down to Connecticut to help my Mom find a dress to wear to my sister's wedding in two weeks.  We found the perfect dress.  Mom looked like a royal queen.  But she can't eat any sugar right now - the dress fits on her body very snug.  I got a dress too, but mine is light and airy.  My underware cost more than the dress, but Mom kindly paid for it.  Without me she would have had a very hard time finding something so nice.  I ran around the stores picking out and holding all the dresses, checked their sizes, getting a new size if required, and putting them back on hangers. 

I don't know how to feel about my life.  Having a sister who is getting married in a church in a lavish dress with a tiny waist to a man who's career is skyrocketing and pals around with multimillionairs makes one reflect on one's own circumstances.  I'll be very lucky if I get to keep all my teeth in these next ten years.  Shopping in Connecticut reminded me of the best benefit of money; you can pay to be around people.  Shopping malls, bookstores, and resturants are all places I used to go to in my first marriage to be around people.  My depression is very old fashioned - I'm lonely.  I've got a great husband and I love my dog and his daughter.  I love my art, making it and planing it and dreaming of a future where I get recognition.  So why the empty hole in the middle of my body?  I am baffled.

Posted by dignifyme at 8:53 AM EDT

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Mood:  spacey

Now I know how the museum survives.  The entire year's budget is supplied by a nuclear power plant!  Money, power, and charity are a very old triad.  Sometimes I've worried a little about the dangerous monster sitting on the side of the river five miles away.  Now my feelings are stirred.  I love the museum and have always wanted the best for it while I have always viewed the nuclear power plant as a blight upon the soil.  Now I understand that the existence of both are inter-related.

My three hours at the museum yesterday went very well.  A new retrospective exhibit by the artist Wolf Kahn opened and we are getting a sharp rise in attendence.  I'm excited because there is a lot I can learn from looking at this artist.  He will be speaking at the museum about his art on August 10th and I'm going to take a tranquilizer and go hear him talk.  The drug will be for mild anxiety.  From experience I've learned that people at these popular lectures get sandwiched in together uncomfortatbly close.  Too many human bodies makes me self conscious and my guts begin to rumble.

A good tactic for work days at the museum is to arrive having done little else in the morning.  It is a mistake to exhaust my reserves of energy before work.  Yesterday I wanted to paint really bad but instead I put a muzzle on Plum and brushed her.  A very basic, repetative activity requiring no sophistication of thought.

Wolf Kahn spends half his year living on a property in West Brattleboro.  He likes to paint his barn and other Vermont barns quite a bit.  I didn't know it but for the last 10 years every time I've visited my psychiatrist the enormus red barn art print she has framed opposite the therapy couch is a Wolf Kahn barn.  The original is in the show, and my, doesn't it look better than the print.

I've been thinking what to ask for Christmas - because confused parents sometimes are greatful for a little help.  I want big, fat art books with lots of pictures on artists who have now grabbed my attention.  They are artists who I want to steal technique from.  I need

El Grecco

Gaugain

Francis Bacon

I'm starting to think more than ever about color and how the paint lies on the canvass.  Clumps, dashes, raked bits or flat.  I need to look at original artwork by the masters and try to ask of it new questions.  Like, under the yellow, was there blue painted first and does it peek out from under the yellow? 

Posted by dignifyme at 7:36 AM EDT

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Mood:  incredulous

Had to stop painting this morning because I felt weak standing. Apparently I woke with a urinary track infection from dehydration. Took some painkillers and they worked, but there must also be a low grade fever from the infection as well.

I don't think I have diabetes. But that is always a worry. Now that I have a normal appetite the binge eating disorder is rearing it's ugly head. Didn't know that mine was so bad. I know that my sister has it bad. She has had it for years. It became serious for her a little earlier than it became serious for me, but by the end of our twenties we each had knowlege of this behavioral weakness. I don't know why I'm suddenly conscious of it now. Probably it is the medication change. I'm getting more memories of the time before I started Zyprexa and Seroquil. The last eight years feel like a vaction from "the real me". I once talked on-line to a mother of a schizophrenic who had been telling her that "he felt like he was dying". Well, up until Geodone I'd been telling Mike that for years. It was always in the context of physical change - a combination of bad eating habits, constant hunger, lethargy, and weight gain had all made me feel like life itself was ebbing, leaving me. Now I wonder. It made sense to point the finger at physical disintegration, but, was there also an ebbing of self? I asked Mike if I've ever mentioned how I feel like I am dying once I started Geodone and he said no. Until then, it was a vocal complaint at least once every three months.

Now that I am on a weaker drug I've got a new maxim. "To feel alive you must live with mild symptoms of the illness." The heavy anti-psychotic drugs that totally or near totally irradicate the schizophrenic symptoms also hit too hard mysterious parts of the person. It feels like I am picking up my life again at age 30, when I moved off Risperdal. I've got this memory line of internal feelings and sensations that pretty much stops with Zyprexa. I'd rather be mentally weaker and have that personal treasure trove of thought. It reaches back to childhood.

Read an email correspondance between Micheal and his brother. Mike is very blunt about my loss of "mental accuity" with Geodone. He correctly pointed out as well my utter lack of interest in selling art or taking part in art world business. I'm "happy and content just making art". It is true that I don't care about much else other than making art. I've even concidered quitting my museum volunteer job. At first it was because I was making outrageous mistakes with every customer but that fogginess has passed. Now it just seems that I have ants in my pants. It is hard to make time pass when there is no visitors or task to accomplish. Once the three hours flew by because I spent the entire time drawing. But last time once I was mentally spent on drawing all I wanted to do was leave. Oh, I hate clock watching. 

The trick at the museum is to bring a variety of materials that are good for a variety of concentration strength.  For instance, drawing materials are good for strong concentration.  But when I weaken I can't do it anymore.  That is a good time to switch over to reading a book or magazine.  The time I ran into trouble was when I brought only drawing materials and no light reading.

Posted by dignifyme at 9:21 AM EDT

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Mood:  irritated

The cats are beautiful while they sleep.  It is so hot here that they lie with furry tummies showing, paws splayed every which way.  Even as they sleep they are graceful.  And one position is never comfortable for very long.  They are continuously stretching and then shifting, eyes closed. 

The heat doesn't make me look beautiful.  I feel like a wet noodle.  We have an air conditioner that we could use in the bedroom (and then I would live in the bedroom) but we are saving money and not using it.  Our frugal living makes me proud.  But the heat combined with lousey eating habits is sapping my strength and giving me migrain headaches.  My bras are getting destroyed as well.  I sweat, the fabric weakens, and the underwire starts a tear and pokes out. 

The dog Cerberus has found the coolest spot in the house.  It is the tile bathroom floor.  Twice I have had to take his collar and drag him out of the bathroom, he is so reluctant to move.  Now I just let him lie by the toilet and step over him.

Posted by dignifyme at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Sunday, 30 July 2006 10:12 AM EDT

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Mood:  a-ok

Yesterday I spent a good two hours at the library making copies of my drawing.  I was increasing the size.  Had to cut pieces, (add an arm, add a head, add the bottom of the feet) and then tape them together because the copy machine only has one size paper.  There was my naked man at 125%, 118%, 112% and 108%. 

In the evening I put the different sized men on my board.  There is already a lady sketched in, so the men had to not only fit in the board but fit in the composition with another figure.  To my surprise, nothing pleased me.  I rooted around and found a copy of the man at the original 100%.  Today's task will be to redraw his head quite a bit smaller.  I had got all hot about the length of his legs and chest but now I realize that making a small head will promise me a large body - the body will be "enlarged" in the viewer's perception with a small head. 

While I was at the library I felt a little bit of quiet fear.  Just a nagging fear of the people around me that was easily overcome with common sense and control.  Such a haunting occured when I was on the weaker drug Risperdal about 7 years ago.  Fear is a big part of many people's schizophrenia and it is definately a symptom that I will have to live with.  I'm not naturally inclined to trust, every since I was a child the world has always been split in two, with numerous acquaintences and the few, hard won friends.

I'm sticking with the Geodone.  After this post I'm planning to go to the woods for a walk with my dog.  It is early in the morning and pleasantly cool.  The energy I feel within that makes the walk possible (a natural energy, the spring in the step of normal, drug free folk) is a result of the switch to Geodone.  My mind might be weaker, but given time my body will become strong again, - and more years added to my lifetime.  Obesity always results in an early death.  I need the energy of Geodone for my physical health.

Posted by dignifyme at 7:29 AM EDT

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Mood:  smelly

In my current painting "Cinderella" I put scarlet red and royal blue in the darkest dark places of shadow.

Before I went to sleep I felt like I would burst.  So much energy.  I was high off of being bold with color.  And my experiment worked.  It worked.  Mike said the picture is starting to look sharp and clear.  He doesn't know how this is happening in technical terms, just that it seems so.  Have to put the painting away to dry today, been looking at it too much.  Don't want to smudge or blend those brilliant shadow colors. 

The scary part is that I'm all alone with my art.  No teacher or mentor or professional to look to and share with.  It almsot feels maddening being so alone, so daring, and so touched to the very core of my being.  A strong statement to make, how putting dabs of paint on canvass can put me on my knees.  Silly artist.  Why so intense?

There was a story once told in my college religion class many many years ago.  If an ignorant peasant worships a stone as if it were a God, is this a religion of one?  With the potential to be as powerful as any other conventional religion?  For some reason I always imagine a Russian peasant down on his knees in the Siberian Stepp in front of a small stone in the dirt.  This stone, it is less than ten inches in diameter.  The peasant is focused and praying to his stone.  That is my picture of ridiculous.  All that will, belief and hope placed on something so small and ordinary.  How many stones do we pass every day that are less than ten inches wide?  Why did the peasant pick this one stone, and what good, what blessings, can the ordinary stone ever bring the peasant?

I was the Russian peasant yesterday with my red and blue strokes of paint. 

Posted by dignifyme at 9:46 AM EDT

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Mood:  not sure

My mother said to me, "You now sound like a normal person when I hear your voice on the phone.  Before you sounded sharp.  Too sharp."

A few nights later, while my husband and I were swinging on swings, playground sand beneith our feet, he said to me, "There is one change that we both know about."

"What is that?" I asked.

"You know.  We've talked about it before."

"I haven't a clue what you are refering to."

My husband sighed. "You've lost your edge."

Then I remembered. "Mom said that you were sad.  You rather enjoyed having me so intelligent and perceptive.  I was your trophy wife."

My husband ignored my good humor.  He warned, "You may not be able to write as well as you used to." 

Probably, at that moment, I smiled.  He is so new at this.  The Big medication change where abilities are lost and abilities are gained.  But I am an old hand.  I make my choice and stick to it.  Regret and sadness?  A small amount.  I'm only human.  But I'm also a mature woman and don't have time for excessive anger and fist shaking at God and fate.  In my head I have a picture of myself as a swimming shark.  This shark is me and I am ancient and relentless and the perfect machine for hunting fish.  But my fish is the fish of happiness.  Like a shark I will find it and I will swiftly gobble it.  Usually the ideas of sharks and happiness don't go together in most people's heads.  But they do in mine.

My prediction is that Geodone is going to be a drug for me like Risperdal.  I will lose some ability, in fact the family has already commented on what I have lost.  My husband says that I am more simple.  This is not enough information.  I push.  "Like a labotomy simple?"  No.  He says that he just has a general feeling that I am more simple.  But, he adds, I seem happy.  

Why would a girl endure such a change?  Two reasons.  First, I have already lost weight.  It won't be easy to continue losing weight, have to cut out the sweets and walk more, but the incessent hunger is now gone and I am satiated more easily.  As I write this I am wearing a white blouse that I haven't worn since last spring.  Before Geodone wearing it would have been indecent, the buttons were straining to pull apart at the bustline.

And then there is this.  My Risperdal period of art was prolific and astoundingly creative. (check www.schizophreniaandart.com).  It has long been my suspicion that there is an unequal balance between language making and image making in my mind.  Increase the abilities of one and the abilities of the other lessen, and vice versa.  Right now my imagination feels fruitfull.  Not languistically but pictoraly.  Last weekend Mike moved the track lighting in our bedroom and bolted three painting easles to the wall.  At this moment I am concidering painting in my white blouse.  It will be a foolish thing to do, but now that it is on I don't want to take it off.

Only time can prove how my art will change.  But change it will.  Currently I am finishing up canvasses that were started as long as three years ago.  Large differences will first appear in the craypas drawings (begun new and finished quickly).  I predict a return of mythological subject matter.  More dreamlike views.  Less relience on photographic source material.  And a freer use of color.   Color that is not logically related to the object.  Color that is needed only in relationship to the other colors; ie. the dress is red so paint the outline of the dress light blue and green.

It still takes a lot of hard work to create a piece of art.  Inspiration and drive is not magically raining down upon my head like a gift of mana from heaven.  Discipline is still nessesary to overcome the aimlessness of schizophrenia.

Enough.  I'm going to go paint.  More on the Geodone changes next post.

Posted by dignifyme at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Monday, 24 July 2006 8:04 AM EDT

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