Mood:
a-okI am nearing the end of my aplication process for A Room Of Her Own Gift of Freedom Award. My essays have been written and with the exception of one, they have all been checked and revised based on Mike's feedback. What is left yet to do is gather financial data and write a resume according to their specifications.
Yesterday I emailed a friend.
It is a constant struggle for me to get out of the house too. I have my writing project every day and that is the core of my being. I do writing until I am exhausted and just want to lie in bed. Problem is, I have been writing in bed! The harder I work on the grant proposal the less I move around. Right now my hands feel shaky because I really strained my brain this morning writing. It feels horrible knowing my chances are so slim to get the writing grant because I have so little real world experience. I don't have the academic degrees that other winners have, I don't have their publishing or work history. The last winner of the award was a writing teacher! My only consolation is that I will publish my essay about what writing means to me on my website. One good thing came out of writing for this grant, an essay I can use. I contacted my computer programmer and he will do a small update of my website for an art print and $50. I will also publish the essay that will be printed in Schizophrenia Bulletin on the website titled "Ability and Disability". I'll tell you when the revision of the website is complete so you can read them.
Just a few more days of writing and my grant application will be completed and mailed. To be totally honest, I wouldn't award the money to me if I was the one making the decision. I find my essays a bit too disorganized at points and the list of my accomplishments very unglamorous. I don't look good on paper as a hero, and what they are looking for is a hero. The award foundation is betting their money on a person who is going to go on to become a success and make them look good for backing a winner. The disease might make me a candidate for the award but the same disease puts a big element of risk in backing me; is a schizophrenic dependable? Is a schizophrenic positive? And can a schizophrenic be trusted to get a job done? I guess I must have a prejudice against my own kind, but only because I know that the disability that the disease can cause is extensive.
Today is the last day of my painting class. I don't want to go but I have to, I won a scholorship for this class. I am so driven on one project that I am loath to switch mindset and pursue a different creative outlet.
Yesterday it was very cold, and to cheer us, Mike said we should tell one another what we have to look forward to. The obvious answer was Spring! And that was all I could think of, no specifics. I am so Hell bent on living one day at a time and maximizing that time that I only think of my immediate goals. And these goals fullfill me! I like to work under pressure. Of course I am so delicate that it has to be just the right amount and sort of pressure or else I get sick. But my little struggles to get done a little amount of work every day give so much value to my life. Finally, after so many months not painting and only working on my book and this grant application, I am settling into the writing life.
Posted by dignifyme
at 8:22 AM EST
Updated: Friday, 26 January 2007 8:25 AM EST
