Mood:
coolTopic: mental health
The morning seems to be the only time of the day when I'm free from the depression and can write.
My hope is that it won't come back and hit me like it did yesterday. No tears that time, just a complete lack of energy and will. Sometimes I didn't even have anything in me to speak. Normally I paint standing up, but, yesterday my body was like lead so I pulled a chair up to the wall and painted while sitting down. The paint session didn't last long. Too tired to move the brush. I also lacked interest, or mental ability, to watch a movie.
I know what depression is because I've had it before. When I was 19 through 21 with the onset of schizophrenia I was very depressed, and in fact the doctor thought my trouble was only depression, an atypical depression with psychotic features. It seems that when you feel really, really low your grasp on reality can get loose, same way that when you get really high and manic you can float off into psychosis.
I didn't mean to, but by "fixing" my painting yesterday I think I ruined it. I don't want to waste anymore paint on it. But all will not be lost because now I have a wonderful theme to work with, a volcanic eruption with people and animals trying to run away. I guess I could start a new painting, but, my mind is so weak right now that I want to retreat to the artistic medium that I know the best and that I have the richest history with; oil pastel drawing.
If this depression is going to persist, even with medication, I'm going to need a reason to get out of the house and be with people. I think I'm going to request that scholorship from the River Gallery Art School again. They simply never answered me last time. I think this time, instead of requesting a scholorship by email, I'll write a letter and hand deliver it. I also need to ask in a nice way if they should reject me to please tell me.
Today's activity is going to be writing that letter, and the plan is to deliver it tomorrow. Right now though, since my mind is clear and my body has energy in it (yesterday I stayed curled in bed for many hours), I'm going to go for a walk in the woods with my dog Plum Pudding and my husband. Oh, how that husband has suffered! Need to spend quality time with him while I am able.
Mike thinks that once I get my period I will feel better. I am going to hope so too, but, the depression was so bad that I'm taking it as a warning. I need to pick up my life here in Brattleboro with people and try to make it as healthy as possible to ward off depression. Depression is a lurking danger that I had forgotten about, being free of it for so many, many years.
