Mood:
d'ohTopic: mental health
Had a tough day today and increased the dose of Geodone I take. Since it is the weekend I made the decision myself and will try to talk to my therapist on Monday. I can't see any objection to my taking more medication. They only worry when you decide to take less.
Two nights ago I fell down a hole in my mind, quite like Alice sliding down the rabbit hole. It started with my being hurt that my husband stayed late at work to read a book (odd behavior - why not come home and read the bood?) and ended with me curled on our bed in a fetal position unable to speak or move. I couldn't stop the fall. During dinner I was silent, focused on my dinner plate, the food and utensils and unable to make eye contact with my husband and his daughter. I listened to their light banter and understood that it was very normal, but, I had no way of emotionally connecting to anything that they said. I experienced no humor and no curiosity. To them it simply appeared that I was in a bad mood. But they didn't know how far away I was in my mind, they did not know the true alien that I had become.
After dinner I retreated to the bedroom. When my husband came to check on me I said, "five". And then repeated "five". My voice was firm. Adament. The next word I was able to push out was "blue". My husband said, "Karen you are breaking down." And it was true. The Karen that he knew ceased to function as she normally does. When I am in despirate need I will say one word that makes no sense - it is a clear sign of distress. Since I can't make sense, to say something logical, I say something random because that my mind can manage to do. I suppose an alternative would be a hand signal, meaning, "I am sick and in trouble."
My husband asked me if I wanted medication and I nodded my head. It was hard for me to open my eyes to look at the pills - I felt about in the medicine box for different shaped bottles. Lucky for me the thought process of which pills to take was very clear. Oh, I could think whole sentences in my head, I could explain everything that was happening to me, but the explainations stayed locked up in my head. Thinking a word is an entirely different thing from saying a word. Usually two processes work in perfect union, except, when you have a disease like schizophrenia which separates thought from action and spirit from emotion.
My medication brought me back nicely. Later that night my husand and I had sex. My life is a very strange adventure. My husband must be rather special himself to be able to join me on it. His adaptablility to changing circumstance (my changing consciousness) is extraordinary.
Today I circled that dark hole but I did not fall down it. My emotions puzzled me. I thought to myself that I have everything that a person with schizophrenia could ever want or need. A safe place to live, a husband who provides for me and loves me and has nice sex with me, a dog, and painting artwork to keep me busy with dreaming of fame and fortune. I have the things that ten years ago were just a dream, and yet, after acheiving it all, it all felt like nothing. So yes, I was puzzled today. Intellectually I know that I am blessed. But my emotions were so barren, I had a waste land inside of me. I tried to meditate in the morning and then once more in the afternoon. Focus on breathing. Stay in the moment and observe the moment. It was a short help. But in the end, in late afternoon I took extra Geodone, and it was Geodone that has returned me to normal.
I'm going to stop writing and go hug and kiss my husband.
