Mood:
incredulousTopic: mental health
Had to stop painting this morning because I felt weak standing. Apparently I woke with a urinary track infection from dehydration. Took some painkillers and they worked, but there must also be a low grade fever from the infection as well.
I don't think I have diabetes. But that is always a worry. Now that I have a normal appetite the binge eating disorder is rearing it's ugly head. Didn't know that mine was so bad. I know that my sister has it bad. She has had it for years. It became serious for her a little earlier than it became serious for me, but by the end of our twenties we each had knowlege of this behavioral weakness. I don't know why I'm suddenly conscious of it now. Probably it is the medication change. I'm getting more memories of the time before I started Zyprexa and Seroquil. The last eight years feel like a vaction from "the real me". I once talked on-line to a mother of a schizophrenic who had been telling her that "he felt like he was dying". Well, up until Geodone I'd been telling Mike that for years. It was always in the context of physical change - a combination of bad eating habits, constant hunger, lethargy, and weight gain had all made me feel like life itself was ebbing, leaving me. Now I wonder. It made sense to point the finger at physical disintegration, but, was there also an ebbing of self? I asked Mike if I've ever mentioned how I feel like I am dying once I started Geodone and he said no. Until then, it was a vocal complaint at least once every three months.
Now that I am on a weaker drug I've got a new maxim. "To feel alive you must live with mild symptoms of the illness." The heavy anti-psychotic drugs that totally or near totally irradicate the schizophrenic symptoms also hit too hard mysterious parts of the person. It feels like I am picking up my life again at age 30, when I moved off Risperdal. I've got this memory line of internal feelings and sensations that pretty much stops with Zyprexa. I'd rather be mentally weaker and have that personal treasure trove of thought. It reaches back to childhood.
Read an email correspondance between Micheal and his brother. Mike is very blunt about my loss of "mental accuity" with Geodone. He correctly pointed out as well my utter lack of interest in selling art or taking part in art world business. I'm "happy and content just making art". It is true that I don't care about much else other than making art. I've even concidered quitting my museum volunteer job. At first it was because I was making outrageous mistakes with every customer but that fogginess has passed. Now it just seems that I have ants in my pants. It is hard to make time pass when there is no visitors or task to accomplish. Once the three hours flew by because I spent the entire time drawing. But last time once I was mentally spent on drawing all I wanted to do was leave. Oh, I hate clock watching.
The trick at the museum is to bring a variety of materials that are good for a variety of concentration strength. For instance, drawing materials are good for strong concentration. But when I weaken I can't do it anymore. That is a good time to switch over to reading a book or magazine. The time I ran into trouble was when I brought only drawing materials and no light reading.
